What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor