My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Only a mother’s love …
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”