Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
blocked.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”