I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
You Might Also Like
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.