I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
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Clients after you give them your rates
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”