Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
True?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Meow
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.