I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18