I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you