I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Jogging
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
dogs can find happiness so easily
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.