“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
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Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’m good, thanks.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.