“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
You Might Also Like
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.