i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH