I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
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Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
peeping toms
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
honestly, i need both:
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
this FaceApp is creepy af
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂