I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
This is I, Robot all over again
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away