I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”