@1Happytwit: I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I'm pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.
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@viadear: Confusing the word, "jacuzzi" with, "yakuza" has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
@tonsmorecowbell: Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.