Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”