Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.