I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Happy Caturday!
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.