I put the hot in psychotic.
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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.