@joerogan: I know I spend too much time on my phone because I was reading a magazine and I just tried to enlarge the picture by spreading my fingers.
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@okimstillhungry: Me:*typing furiously* I've bypassed the firewall and I'm hacking into the mainframe now Arby's customer: So is my order placed or not Me: No
@djdarrellripley: I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn't even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died...
@amydillon: "Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep." *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
@SteveSuckington: [100 year old man on job interview] "Do you have any references?" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*