me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
You Might Also Like
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.