Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.