I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.