I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?