@GensPlace: I know I'm gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
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@WilliamRodgers: My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
@Thedudish: As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her "Need a bigger size?" I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
@PopSlapFunk: 5: "Dad, to be the man of the house, you need to wear pants." Me: ... 5: ... Me: "It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Job's all yours."
@afloodofblood: Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.