I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
You Might Also Like
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”