I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.