“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
That earthquake could have been an email.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?