“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
OKAY DAD
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏