I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
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i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Goodnight 🐶
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!