I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.