I know karate and tons of other words.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
This will teach them to underestimate me
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy