I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.