@TurboJellyBean: I know Pluto isn't a planet you moron. Pluto's a dog.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [farmers market] Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk? Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds? Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so Me: *leans in close* If I find out- Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me
@SteveSuckington: "Sorry my phone died" -something I've said 5,326 times but it's never actually happened
@Stellacopter: Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
@Book_Krazy: Jack is coming over. "Jack from work or Jack and the..." [a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]