I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
me when the borders lift
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?