I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack