I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries