8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore