“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.