Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
he chose this
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.