I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I’m giving up for Lent.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10