I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip