I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I will never stop laughing at this
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’