I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
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I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.