I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
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HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
time for some seasonal decor
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.