I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
You Might Also Like
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog