I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
this post was so formative to me
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.