I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Yes, this is exactly right
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.