I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
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Just got to our Airbnb!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Happy thanksgiving!
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.