i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
🤣🤣🤣
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid