I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!