@VictorscarletJ: I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
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@ewfeez: [wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? "Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"
@daemonic3: [gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying] "It's negative" Lemme see it [reads] 'Not prego. Just fat. And ugly' Wow that's really negative
@DirtMcTurd: [Weekend in NYC with my wife] Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend? Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue