Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
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ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.