@VictorscarletJ: I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
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@NurseSeymour: Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
@thenatewolf: *Shoves a guy* I think you mean the SECOND biggest "The Sound of Music" fan on earth, bro.
@TenaciousGrace_: Part of me says, "I can't keep drinking like this." While another says "Don't listen to her, she's drunk."