@WilliamAder: I know we're not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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@andylevy: twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
@Owl_Meat: [Car breaks down] Me:*inspecting engine* Date: is everything ok? Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
@Sickayduh: Professor: "Did you just show up drunk to my exam?" No way "Hungover then?" Nope "There's a lime wedge on your face"
@sploosk: my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying "this one's on the house" every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid