I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them