@WilliamAder: I know we're not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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@JediGigi: Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day? Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
@sammyrhodes: There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't
@TheHyyyype: SURGEON: *cutting open patient's torso* NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement! SURGEON: there's a Pokémon in there